Scars Are Souvenirs You Never Lose
by sugar coated bullets
Summary: With his head clouded in confusion, Roy finally finds himself pondering silently over his dead, long lost friend. He was never sure of the man he would be but he manages to find serenity in his death. [RoyxMaes, MaesxGracia, RoyxRiza warning: yaoirape]


I don't usually write male/male pairing, especailly in Full Metal Alchemist because I'm just not good with that type of stuff -BUT- I read a doujinshi by GD Mechano and it insipired me to give it shot. So basically, this is my first yaoi pairing and it's obviously MustangxHughes but there is a lot underlining plots with pairings such as HughesxGracia and MustangxHawkeye.

Since I am a hardcore Royai fan it was VERY DIFFICULT to write this. I wanted to persuade my audience by a different type of approach this yaoi pairing and I hope you enjoy my first oneshot fiction about Roy and Maes.

ps-I give all credit for this storyline to the doujinshi written by GD Mechano

the only thing that I own here is the underlining relationship shared between Roy and Riza -anyway enough small talk up here, on with the story.

pss-it would be nice if you reviewed this as well (NO FLAMES)

oh one more thing I almost forgot to mention -this is all in Roy's point of view.

/ -- / flashback/memory

! -- ! end of flashback/memory

_italized text_ thoughts that Roy is thinking during present time

the seperation lines, **like the one below**, is just seperating the time frames in which Roy is still standing over Maes grave, referring back to his present thoughts. I hope you guys don't get confused!

* * *

It was here, where I stood, that I shed my first real tears. Riza graced my arm just then making me feel bolder by the minute. The gravemarker laced with lilies that I bought and the name read ever so beautifully, Maes Hughes 

_I has taken me several years to finally break the cycle of confusion –I didn't know who I was then, I didn't know who I would become, I did want to love or be loved in return, and above all I didn't know what dreams I was capable of accomplishing…_

_When I remember it now I don't feel as bad I used to because I had Riza and she had bore me a beautiful son. Her kindness was able to heal the wounds that covered my body and mend my broken heart of sin. My lieutenant words, in and out of office, guided me along my broken path of ambition. Yes, I was very fond her but…_

_I met my goal yet my life has been empty for a while now._

_When I remember it now I try not to breakdown because I am Fuehrer, but I just wanted him to know that his death wasn't in vain. Let me justify, to myself at least, that Maes' death served a purpose._

_I try to keep enjoyable memories like my wedding day, fresh but sometimes, others like, the death of Maes, I hope they'll fade so that maybe the pain will eventually become just a scar; something I'll be able to just tuck away inside of me._

_When I remember…remember those endless night where the sky was forever black and full of fire, I am able to relive those memories that kept me who I was today._

_The Ishbal Massacre was nothing more than this photograph whose peoples' faces were blurred out of frame and the words that depicted the spectacle were gibberish. That was because I hated to remember those nights that kept me up cold with sweat but hot with tears…_

_One night in particular though has been burning in my memory since then._

* * *

/ -- / 

I was drinking, naturally, as I sat up dark and alone in my tent. That was my way of self-medicating the wounds that no one else could see but one soldier could, his name was Maes Hughes.

He happened to be with me that night drinking although, as many times I tried to stop him, he wouldn't stop refilling his glass with the alcohol. Every breath, every syllable was drenched in brandy and his eyes were red. I can't remember if it was from the alcohol or not but I did know that he had been crying earlier. I never was the shoulder you could cry on…

Things ensued that became almost frightening to me. He moved in such a way, with grace, that startled me with the unexpectancy. His lips caressed my jawline and I pulled away -when I tried to stop him he just pressed his body, which loomed over top mine, harder. Of course this position was compromising, and I swallowed the last of my brandy. I remember it sliding down my throat with an awful burn…

Our uniforms were sweaty and our mouths moist. My legs were spread and his hips grinded my own. His hands held down my wrist with my back secured to the ground. He was trailing his mouth over my trachea and I tried so hard to contain my gasp. This wasn't the man I was –not some homosexual, but I wanted –needed the abnormality of sex. He was my escape and needless to say, I liked it.

The very way his hands broke the buttons of my white chemise made me shiver and in that brief moment we kissed. His lips slivering over me like a snake. His methods of unbuckling my belt and pushing his member inside of me caused a pure state of ecstasy to paralyze my very …breath.

Yea, for that brief moment I believe it may have been more than just lust, maybe, if you believe in such things, it was love.

But I had almost forgotten he was drunk.

! -- !

* * *

The wind was blowing hastily through my coat causing Riza to shiver and breaking me from my train of thought. I pulled her closer still looking over the parched grass surrounding the marker -melting instantly back into thought. 

_After the war, however, Central was at first hard to get used to. How do you go from having intercourse with someone to not so much as talk to each other in hallways? Our eyes were skittish and our minds were puzzled each time we tried to articulate the words referring to that night...We didn't exactly know how to define the kind of relationship we shared because our definition of love was altered and ultimately shattered because of that incident during the Massacre. So we grew apart and avoided each other yet I found this to be most rewarding in the end._

_I earned something differently from him that was most satisfying; it was his friendship. Eventually the tension that was filled between us vanished and it wasn't the least bit awkward because we learned to look past our encounter in Ishbal –it fabricated affection, right? That's the only thing that kept us sane within the close proximity of being near each other._

_We remained the best of friends and I was even overjoyed to find out his engagement to a beautiful woman named Gracia –I had even found myself worshipping the very ground a woman of **mine** walked on. Her named was Riza Hawkeye and she was **my** first Lieutenant._

Yet something else occurred –something I try to forget about.

* * *

/ -- / 

_7:30 –General Hakuro. _

I had received, obviously, a hand written notice to visit with General Hakuro the next morning in his office –but what was so strange about it was that I happened to find the letter folded ever so neatly in the coat pocket of my blue uniform trousers.

Perhaps, I chuckled, he wanted to informally thank me for saving him from his taken hostage on that train the Elric brothers, not to mention Maes Hughes, that I had ordered to save.

But why so…so early?

Nevertheless the very next day I entered Headquarters to find that the place was barely filled with officers at the hour, and I knew very well work didn't start at least until 8:30 –so I still pondered the question, why so early? Perhaps, a promotion -maybe, maybe not.

"Excuse me sir," I said knocking on the outside of his office.

"You wanted to see me?"

"Ah," He eyed me very warily.

"Come in, Roy."

I found the way he said my name to be most disgusting along with that face he was wearing. Something was wrong, but I realized it too late…

Soon I found myself violated by the sting of leather chewing my wrist so that it became raw and my mouth full of his sausage-like fingers. He was brutal and I hated him. His rhythm became most unbearable when he pushed in and out faster with semen dripping into my face.

He was sighing in relief while I tried to fight him off of me but without my gloveless hands –I was useless. My immobility and lack of guard served as a cold reminder of what I could've done to prevent him from taking advantage of me like this. I was in turmoil when he refused to stop growing more violent, like an animal, with the repetition of thrusts… He pushed it into my mouth, clenching my hair and pushing my face in and out. My cheeks were inflated and warm but this was all happening so fast that at least my shock was served as Novocain.

I grunted in distasted at he reached his climax, pouring the fowl taste in my mouth and pulling out. He shoved me around, off, the desk onto the floor with my wrist dangling from the tie he had attached to the lamppost. I was partially clothed but drool and sweat was covering my body. I trembled wondering if this too was just a fabrication…

"That'll be all," He untied the leather bounding my hands together.

"Colonel." He wiped his mouth throwing my white gloves onto my face, as I lay motionless on the hardwood floor…

I found a bathroom and stuck my finger in my throat, educing myself to vomiting out what I was just made to swallow. It poured gloshes of mucus into the toilet and I still gagged…

Trailing my weak body to the counter, I was watching myself in the mirror very closely, noticing white crust drying at the corner of my lips –I threw up, this time, by aversion.

Leaning my head again the mirror I feeling frail as I turned the knobs of the sink on and throwing water into my face and into my mouth I let my mind begin to wonder just as fast as the water ran into the porcelain bowl…

It was nothing more than a sexual violation –no, harassment and he did it so well. It was a disgusting act that I learned to deal with because among other things in Central besides killing and deceiving people, was the insufferable act of ones' superior.

Commander Weber likes it from behind with a uniform on. If possible, not in a bed but in stoical place like the Commander's room.

Assistant Pay Officer Cassin doesn't want anything but to have a mouth at his service.

As for MP Colonel Ferretti, just tremble and be obedient like a virgin…

But I had to learn the hard way that General Hakuro liked to _do it_ with belligerent equipment, such as tying your hands together for immobility and using _apparatuses_ more than just having sex. I figured it was because since his nature was very sadistic but his family, namely his wife was too serene, that giving him looks of repugnance or torture was most effective in briefness.

I was at the mercy of their will if I was to keep my rank.

This steadily heightened my ambition to become Fuhrer.

Suddenly the door swung up littering the mirror with a familiar face.

"Well hey Roy!" Maes slapped a hand on my shoulder and I pulled away, trying to conceal the sweat and ripped uniform –even the traces of drying semen. But he saw…

"What happened, Roy? What the hell happened to you?" He looked concerned with his face casting downward over my body. I didn't tell him I only wiped my mouth and smiled before leaving.

! -- !

* * *

Moments were passing us by as well still stood together, looming over the mournful sight of this tomb yet, I was still very thoughtful when gazing out in the distant hills, for a breif moment, watching the leaves fall from the trees...

* * *

/ -- / 

It became days before I would even dare return to headquarters and this not only cause those memories to reiterate but Ishbal as well. The dangerous thing about a man like me was my depressive nature as a human being was uncontrollable. Mine was very selfless, guilty, hurtful and most of all…regretful. Human Taboo was becoming more and more beautiful each time I studied it.

I wondered if Riza would drop by or perhaps anyone for that matter –did they even care I wasn't around? What about Maes –where has he been?

It made me question myself a lot, a lot about my very existence and just how tiny and insignificant I was. I am only human after all and maybe someday, if I don't kill myself, I'll learn to live with my faults.

For now though, I had to bear through the storm blindly, trying to hold onto to anything that kept my soul inbounds. I was soaked in tears…

My apartment was growing disgusting –transmutation circles drawn everywhere in an array of different colors. Food left uncovered, mice crawling here and there and bugs investing my floors but the saddest thing about this was that I didn't care.

How could I care about something I didn't understand? All knew was that my life had been slain in so many different ways it was hard to tell where it all started. Ishbal? Rape? _What,_ I kept asking myself, _is killing me on the inside_?

It was then that I remembered I had a god-complex with two bullets in it lying under my bed…

With it's barrel in my mouth I started to tremble again and the darkness started to consume my every thought and I wondered if I want this to be the way that I remembered my last day as a human…weak and careless.

A knock echoed from my door and my eyes widened with tears.

When I opened it I saw him again and this time I felt horrified to see him here. Maes had a basket with a delicious smelling apple pie and he waltzed into my apartment like a brother with a smiling and caring face. The occasional flickers of light off his glasses made me smile somewhat.

We exchanged small talk for I hadn't really anything to talk about. I didn't want to talk to be honest but I laughed when showing him the circles I thought about using human taboo… It was irony.

Maes glared at me with concerned ego and none to prosthetic anger so I felt a punch smack me hard across the face. The sting and blood melting into the nerves of my cheek made me realize that I was still alive -it amazed me.

Then it occured me…my old ambition came back into the play so I told him everything.

I was going to become Furher and he promised to work under me at all times –but he broke his promise…

! -- !

* * *

The silent moments drove Riza and I too quiet and she tried to smile up at me knowing that wasn't going to respond that easily -but I surprise her by holding her closer still lost in the elusive thoughts draining into the origin in my mind. 

_I had lost myself along the lines of defining what I needed and what I wanted. I knew at some point that I had fallen in love with Maes but something inside me churned differently when he died –it was as if the part of me that loved him died away as well. Things grow apart over time and wounds heal but I guess that's what killed me on the inside –the guilt of so easily falling out of love with him. It made me wonder, again, if it was fabricated._

_The love I shared with Riza Hawkeye was irreplaceable as well –as with Hughes' love with Gracia. The reason I am probably still here today is because of Riza. I had given up all hope and started drinking again and stopped coming to the work, after his death yet, she willingly visited my apartment just as Maes once did and spoke softly to me. Her words tasted sweet on my tongue. She pulled me out of my hole again and it was then that I realized that I needed her. That was the reason it made things easier, falling out of love with Maes, for it kept me moving forward._

Nevertheless, I stand here today looking over his grave with a somewhat, lopsided smile with my wife tugging gently at my arm.

Before we leave, I heard Riza whisper in my ear, with our fingers intertwining,

"Scars are souvenirs you never loose…"

* * *

I really hope the timing frames and memory signals weren't confusing. Anyway, I'd appreciate some feedback.

thanks


End file.
